The Wrong Kind of D/s Cyber Relationships
(Original article from http://kinktoychest.com/index.php/castle-realm-archives/81)
Whose electrons are tickling your fancy?
"I'm in love with a wonderful Dom/me I met online but......" "I've met the sub of my dreams on IRC but...." Now there's a couple we hear pretty often. In this day of electronic communication we see a lot of online "dating and mating" going on. For some, it's the beginning of a real relationship that leads to real-life happiness. For others, it's the beginning of a real heartbreak and could lead to a real-life lawyer's office.
Are These Relationships for Real?
Without a doubt, some of them are quite real. We all know there is a segment of this group of online individuals who are sincere and are what they say. But be aware there are some players out there that are not really looking for more than a quick thrill or a casual encounter and I won't waste your time on more than a quick description of a few of the types found in the "fly by night" category.
The Married-But-Not-Happy-Dom/sub: This person is married but bored or unhappy with their spouse who may or may not be willing to meet their needs. Often they were not aware of their interest in the D/s lifestyle when they chose their mate and now are stuck in a marriage with no way to express those growing desires to explore a world they cannot actually live in. It's not surprising that many of those in this group had no idea what the D/s lifestyle was until they ventured into #FlogMeBeatMe one night after the wife went to bed and got turned on by what they witnessed. What happens from that point will be one of three things: a divorce, an online affair, or mostly likely, drive-by relationships that fill in the gaps in their sagging love life.
[For the record--- Some very satisfactory online relationships are found that fall on the outer edge of this group. Those who are honest about their situation and make it clear that they are not able to take the relationship off-line are not the problem. It's the ones who play games with people's lives that create the misery we so often see online. All too often we see devotedsub putting all her hopes on MarriedbutsoontobedivorcedDom only to find out a year later he was only playing a game with her and he and his wife are going off on their second honeymoon. She's left standing at the cyber-altar with her online collar hanging limply around her broken heart.]
The I-Wanna-Be-Someone-Else-Dom/sub: Those who fall in this category are often people who have lied about a few things: weight, age, marital status or sex, to name a few. (Yes, I do mean sex. There are more female subs with a deep baritone voice than you'd like to believe.) These people are unhappy about who they really are and live out a fantasy life online: The aging man who wants to be young one more time, the over-weight woman who craves to be thin and sexy just once in her life, or the married man who longs to be single again - just for fun. We all know that there are just too many 24-year-old blonde-bombshells wandering around in D/s channels to be true. Doesn't anyone over 50 years old or 200 pounds own a computer?
Here are just three of the ones in this group.
The Gender-Bender Dom/sub: Now here's a horse of a different color or genital. There are too many men who've wanted to see what it's like to be a woman and vice-versa. Keep in mind that lovely little sub kneeling so sweetly at your feet just might be a 240 pound truck driver from Boise who's sitting there in his boxer shorts, swilling beer and smoking a cigar while you drool all over yourself. And ladies, that DomDelux who's captured your heart just might be the Avon Lady when she's up for a few laughs. Not everything is what it seems. Playing is fun. Getting in over your head in the Lake of Deception isn't.
The Pimple-Faced Hormone: This one is a real catch for you. You pour out your heart and soul to dreamsub or WonderDom and you wonder why they seem to have such a limited amount of knowledge. If you're talking collars, but they're talking Clearasil and their idea of a relationship is the bond between Beavis and ButtHead, you just might be talking to someone young enough to call you Mom or Dad. Teenagers and preteens have a lot of fun messing with our online world and trusting hearts. This one could get you a lifetime relationship....with Bubba, your new cellmate.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Flogger: This is the other side of the Pimple-Faced Hormone. Does your 25 year old subbie talk an awful lot about Frank Sinatra and Fred Astair? Did your hansome young dom mention he bought a new Packard once when he was in college? If so, you better start picturing Depends® instead of a thong and get used to the smell of Ben Gay® instead of Joop. Either they're caught in a time warp, or your pony girl is the old gray mare and ponyboy is headed for the glue factory. Either way, you've been had by a generation gap jumper. Anyone too insecure to be honest about their age is too insecure for any kind of relationship in this lifestyle, online or off.
The Horny-Net-Geek-Dom/sub: This loser is here for only one reason: fantasy sex. They prowl the D/s channels looking for a willing victim to satisfy their craving for some online "hot chat" so they can relieve their pent-up sexual frustration and go off to bed for a little self-induced satisfaction. They change nicks more often than most of us change underwear and once they've "scored" they vanish into cyberspace with a simple /nick newname. A few hang around long enough to keep a "sure thing" until it gets too involved and then they go POOF! Their final comment is usually, "I'll email you tomorrow," but tomorrow never comes for the poor Dom or sub they've used and discarded. BTW, when you finally decide to write to this HNG to find out what happened to them, you'll get the email returned with "unknown user address" the next day.****************************************
Think with your head not your gonads.
Cyber relationships can turn out to be wonderful things. We know of many that have lasted for several years and are still going strong and a few have even made the transition to real life successfully, but that's not the norm. Unfortunately, we hear from dozens of people every week who have been hurt or humiliated by the person on the other end of their electronic connection. Here are just a few of the situations we've encountered.
Caught by the Hard Drive:
Email Evidence: Same as the above. There's traces left on your email application when you send as well as receive. Those traces can land you in some rather uncomfortable conditions if someone happens to access them. NOTHING is secure when it comes to computers.
You Send Me (now send me some money): At least once a week we hear from some lamb who's been fleeced. Sometimes it's a poor little subbie who needs a few dollars to get out of a little financial bind that her horrible hubby has left her in...and without electricity and an ISP you can't contact her. Off goes the money order and off she goes...to the next sucker who's waiting to be hooked. Other cases include the DownOnMyLuckDom who needs a few bucks to get a ticket to come see you and land a great job within driving distance of your house. Wonderful!! Give him a loan and an "It was nice knowing you" card, cause your days together are dependent on how long you can keep handing out the cash.
Support Your Local Domme: Another one we get lots of email about. Domme Greenback only wants a few dollars to help defray the cost of her time online with you. Send it and hang the "sucker" sign around your neck. There are some online ads for prodommes who run honest businesses, but by far the majority are schemers who've figured out a way to add to the grocery money and make you pay for the misery you're about to receive. I guess this list could go on and on. We've seen them all -- from the old days on Prodigy where dominants demanded that their submissives set them up with accounts so they could share their online time with you until you maxed out your credit card at $2.95 an hour--to the sub who packed up her few belongings and moved to California to find her dominant was married and had 5 children. You can avoid all these heartaches and agonies simply by thinking before you dive into the pool. See if there's really water in it and check for sharks. You need to know a little about this person you've locked electrons with before you give them your phone number, address or keys to your heart. Very few players can keep up the game for very long. If they're faking, sooner or later they'll slip up. Go slow and keep your mind open and your purse shut.